As with other communication, when discussing exclusionary behaviors judgmental language must be avoided. Instead, communicating in as descriptive a manner possible will help to improve chances of being heard and understood. Being incident specific will also be helpful in not triggering a defensive response.
Avoid presenting a list of past infractions. If the person being addressed is resistant, claiming that what happened is completely uncharacteristic, when in actuality they have behaved similarly numerous times, invoking a list of past infractions is tempting, however, it should be agreed that the focus of the discussion will be limited to the single incident in question. If the person being addressed is unable to acknowledge how their comments or behavior was hurtful, it may be necessary to wait for another instance of the behavior before revisiting the subject. The goal should not be to win an argument but to bring someone a little further along on the journey away from domination culture.
It is also important to avoid sweeping generations or characterizations i.e.: “You’re always disrespectful when whenever you talk to Hispanics” and to avoid labeling “You sound like a homophobe!” It can be helpful to focus on your feelings and also trying to imagine how the other person feels.
Talking about how you heard what was said, or how you interpreted what was done and how it made you feel will be listened to with far less resistance than if you are making accusations. In contrast to a call-out this approach is sometimes referred to a call-in – addressing harmful behavior, offensive comments, or problematic actions through private, respectful, and educational conversations rather than public shaming. Instead of immediately exposing or punishing someone, as in call-out culture, call-in culture seeks to foster understanding, personal growth, and long-term change.
Deploying general techniques for communicating with people with whom we disagree can also help. This includes assuming (whether accurate or not) good intentions in the other person. It can also be helpful to acknowledge that when it comes to exclusionary behaviors no one is perfect, and there are situations in which you yourself might make the same mistake.
Treating someone who has said hurtful things with such kindness and delicacy may be extraordinarily difficult, but it might be the only way to prevent the other person from becoming defensive and dismissing the entire episode as if they are the aggrieved party being unfairly accused. Blaming, shaming and other aggressive approaches are most unlikely to reach people in a manner they can accept and process.
Humans are among the most socially dependent of all animals. So primary is our social dependence that the prospect of losing our social standing is deeply threatening and painful. When we feel socially ridiculed, it’s not just our need to be loved and our self-esteem that is vulnerable but a far more basic need for safety and stability. From an evolutionary perspective this was highly adaptive since being a social outcast probably meant an early and gruesome demise. Neuroscientists have even observed a link between the experience of social rejection and increased activity in a region of the brain associated with physical pain[1].
Another technique which can help facilitate a desirable outcome in such conversations can be found in American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication also known as NVC — a process to facilitate communicating in an effective manner. Similar to Naturalistic Support, NVC requires being descriptive and steering clear of judgmental thinking and language.
NVC includes steps such as observing your own emotions and trying to recognize the feelings of the other party, determining what you need and what the other party needs, and making and soliciting requests that might satisfy those needs. Making a request of the other person and inviting them to consider and express their request of you might help the discussion progress effectively. Numerous online resources can also help shape how these discussions might take place.
People with exclusionary attitudes aren’t going to disappear, nor will they transform into being non-exclusionary without effort. Those who are the targets of exclusionary behavior cannot be expected to address this alone. Raising awareness and sensitivity to exclusionary dynamics will require broad social support.
Conversations addressing exclusionary behaviors are beginning to happen with increasing frequency in the workplace, in schools, and in communities, both in person and online. They represent one of the most ambitious and potentially transformative communication projects that any society has ever dared attempt. And this remains true notwithstanding the momentary backlash being perpetrated by the current administration. Despite those who are resistant, a majority of Americans now live in mixed race communities[2], and the trend both for neighborhoods and workplaces is toward ever greater diversity and integration. Our continuing efforts to become the most diverse and inclusive society that has ever existed puts America on the cutting edge of social experimentation as we progressively become the experimental society.
[1] See article The Pain of Social Rejection https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
[2] See How Mixed-Race Neighborhoods Quietly Became the Norm in the U.S. at https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2022/11/04/mixed-race-neighborhoods/