Utilizing Naturalistic Support takes lots of practice. Judgmental thoughts and language are so deeply ingrained into our culture that long after we decide to stop using them they continue to effect the way we think and talk. Terms like better or worse, good or bad, right or wrong, are all short cuts for ideas which require considerably more effort to express.
To refrain from using judgmental terms can be challenging. To explain this work I have repeatedly have to use terms like “becoming more like the person you want to be” — a non-judgmental and rather lengthy substitute for saying “becoming a better person.” On nearly every page there are sentences which could have been made more concise with judgmental words. Often I did that because the non-judgmental alternative wound up being too awkward. But trying to replace judgment loaded words with descriptive words is not simply a quixotic pursuit, the value it brings is real. Doing so, however, requires much conscious effort and ongoing practice.
For most of us, throughout the day there are numerous situations that result in our reflexively thinking judgmental thoughts. While driving to work, if we see someone making a sudden lane change right in front of us without having signaled, it’s quite likely that we’ll think to ourselves or even say out loud “That was screwed up!”, or more extreme expletives like “that was fucked up,” or “what the fuck?,” or even “Holy shit! Look at that asshole!” We might even punitively honk to show our annoyance.
If you take a train to work and a person passing you bumps you with their bag and doesn’t apologize, a likely response might also be to think, or even say some judgmental thought. We are naturally repelled by behaviors that are careless, thoughtless, or rude. At best such behaviors can make life a lot less pleasant, and they sometimes can result in serious accidents. If careless, or thoughtless, or rude behavior is consistently met with annoyed or angry responses, it is imaginable that those behaviors will be discouraged. But in actuality, it is more likely that an annoyed or angry response will have little to no constructive benefit.
If behaviors that are careless, or thoughtless, or rude are the result of someone having acted accidentally, then any anger or annoyance coming after the fact will not prevent it. If the offending behavior is deliberate — the result of someone who was angry or annoyed to start with – it is difficult to see how receiving your anger or annoyance in response would diffuse things. If hostility is met with more hostility what is most likely to happen is a ratcheting up of emotion. Cursing audibly under one’s breath when bumped on a crowded train, or pulling up to a car that cut you off and making an angry gesture are generally ineffective responses and at worst can lead to violent confrontations.
Let’s think about that sudden lane change. I never know why someone on the road near me might be driving poorly, yet whatever the reason, I can easily imagine myself in the same situation. I too may have gotten momentarily distracted when driving – and often for good reason. It might be because I’m really upset about the job I’m driving to. Or perhaps my partner and I had a rough time together that morning. Or maybe just before I walked out the door, I received a call that informed me that a diagnostic test I had taken had a troubling result.
A bad health scare, conflict with a spouse, having to face an emotionally hurtful workplace — any of these situations, or others, could easily account for all of the careless, thoughtless, or rude behaviors we see. But in most cases, we would never have the opportunity to know for sure what the driver who momentarily drives poorly was really experiencing.
While we cannot react to what we do not know, what we can be certain of is that careless, thoughtless, or rude behavior is just one moment in a series of events about which we are unaware. While it may be natural to wince at getting bumped into on a train, or seeing a motorist make a driving error, we don’t have to react with judgmental thinking. We can wince and think “I hope she’s okay!”
Such, humility and graciousness make good sense, and being humble and gracious is not only beneficial to the person to whom you are reacting, it is much healthier for you.
The Scottish author Ian MacLaren whose pen name was John Watson is known to have been the first to express the following sentiment in writing in 1897:
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
When we appreciate the decisive role that our determinants play in our lives, we know that people are always behaving in the only manner that their determinants allow. This observation, in combination with the fact that when people are healthy, they are inclined to be socially cooperative and caring, strongly suggests that it is reasonable to assume by default, that even when people might anger or annoy you they do not intentionally mean to do so. Put succinctly, albeit with judgmental language — assume the best in others. While the default assumption will apply the vast majority of the time, occasionally we will all have encounters which are adversarial. There is no reason, however, to expect that people who by default assume the best in others are any more vulnerable to those with harmful intent than the general population.
Looking for the best in people does not make us oblivious to those who might intend to do us harm. Rather than just interacting in the superficial transaction-oriented manner in which most social exchanges with strangers take place, people who look for the best in others tend to look more deeply at the person they encounter. Accordingly, if something is off it is likely to be noticed. Not only does assuming the best not put us at any risk, it is actually psychologically beneficial, associated with greater personal happiness[1].
In contrast, being in a defensive mindset, where we are continually on alert for any perceived violation or slight, can be injurious to living harmoniously and happily with those around us. Seeing the world through a judgmental lens necessarily diminishes our natural inclination toward compassionate responses causing us to be in a continuous state of annoyance and alienation. Reacting to those around you with a judgmental state of mind can also get you addicted to a dangerous emotional high — the high that comes from creating the illusion of being “better” than all of the “stupid idiots” you are judging.
When we think or say “that was fucked up” or similar sentiment, we are implicitly saying “that’s not anything that I would ever do!” And by extension, anyone who does behave that way is morally inferior. Whenever we judge others, we are always elevating ourselves above them. If our sense of self-esteem is tenuous, judging others may provide a slight emotional boost to our ego, but it is a wholly inadequate substitute.
Similar to the superficial boost we might derive from taking a drug, the boost we experience from judging others is fleeting. And like an addiction, the quality of the boost diminishes overtime so to maintain a sense of superiority it becomes necessary to judge others continually. This dynamic can turn us into cynical, angry people. Reacting judgmentally to those we encounter gives us a distorted vision of reality, and can cause us to respond to others in ways that range from ineffective to extremely destructive.
I had a revelatory moment when I began my journey of discarding judgmental thinking. At the time, I was living in a neighborhood with many poor families. Sitting on my front stoop I noticed a mother pushing a stroller with her young daughter who was perturbed and moaning.
The mom scolded, threatened, and eventually hit her. When the child began to wail the mom threatened to hit her again but the wailing continued. Observing the scene, my initial response was the same that I would have had previously in similar circumstances “That’s fucked up! I would never hit my kid” That I did not yet have children of my own didn’t matter – I knew I would never hit my child and that this mom was being mean.
Had I not been reflecting on my judgmental thoughts that would have been the end of it. I would have groaned, and thought myself better than that mom. But instead I challenged my judgmental thinking and doing so radically altered what I saw. Instead of merely seeing a “fucked up” mom, I forced myself to use descriptive language to express what I was seeing.
Suddenly, not only did I see a child getting treated without sensitivity, I saw a mom at the end of her rope. I imagined that this very strained woman might have been collapsing under the weight of unpaid bills, facing termination of her electric and phone service, and maybe even eviction. Or, perhaps she had an abusive partner, and possibly physical aliments. I could see I was viewing only one scene in a long, complex sequence of events.
I could imagine the mom’s childhood when she was in a stroller being hit by her mother who was also at her breaking point. Most discouragingly, I also imagined that the child who was right in front of me would one day be treating her own child in much the same way.
But imagining the cycle of neglect, mistreatment, and abuse that I believed myself to be witnessing did not make me feel fatalistic. My moment of insight made a completely new response possible — one that I had never contemplated. Walking over to the mom I said in the most sympathetic tone I could muster:
“They really can drive you crazy can’t they?! My nieces are about her age and they can be such a handful.” I had gotten the mom’s attention and remarkably, she wasn’t telling me to get lost. I then asked “How old is she – about four?”
“No she’s three.”
I said “she looks real smart, you must be proud of her.”
“Oh she knows what she’s doin’!” The mom almost smiled.
I said “Well, stay strong mom – it’s hard, but she’s great!” With that the mom who, at least for the moment had stopped hitting the child, moved on. It’s entirely possible that as soon as they were beyond my purview the hitting resumed, but if then another neighbor did a similar intervention that little girl might have been hit a little less, at least in public.
Intergenerational mistreatment is a serious, intractable problem. If that is was what I was witnessing my response was only slightly better than no response at all, but at least it did not cause the mom to become even angrier. My intervention would not have been possible had I not challenged my initial impulse to judge and criticize the mom while elevating myself. When we judge we diminish the possibility that we can make a difference.
Usually when we witness someone hurting themselves or others there’s not a great deal we can do. There are, however, exceptions — situations when a kind, supportive word from an empathetic friend or a passing stranger might help someone behave in healthier, kinder, or more desirable manner. To the degree that we react with judgmental thoughts this possibility is essentially foreclosed.
[1] See study Happiness and Hostile Attributions in a Cross-Cultural Context: The Importance of Interdependence by Dorota Jasielska, Radosław Rogoza, Mary Bower Russa, Joonha Park & Anna Zajenkowska which can be found at https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-020-00224-w
And see article What Happened When I Spent a Week Assuming Only the Best in Others at https://forge.medium.com/i-spent-a-week-assuming-the-best-in-others-15c28d0d810a